Action Bronson Comes to the Rescue

The first time someone said I looked like Action Bronson I was working at a boutique resort hotel in the Hamptons. It was a couple of kids who acted like they knew the man personally and remarked that we HAD to be related. Given the clientele, (young, wealthy, New Yorkers), maybe they did.

At the time I didn’t know who he was, but they insisted I look him up, so I enlightened myself. It wasn’t hard to see the comparison.

As his popularity grew, I’d get comments on it occasionally, and it was never an issue until one Halloween. I’d wanted to make it a low key night, so I didn’t wear a costume. I just put on a ballcap and went to an industry event at a prominent hotel/restaurant to hang out with friends.

One attendee (who had been drinking) came up behind and grabbed me. Amidst the party clamor she pulled me down to her level and spoke into my ear, “You’re Action Bronson aren’t you!”

I smiled, shook my head, and politely told her “No.”

She pulled me down again and said, “You ARE Action Bronson!!”

I repeated my answer, but she and her friend then started hanging nearby and staring as I stood there with my friends. I eventually got creeped out and excused myself. I grabbed another drink and went to the bathroom.

When I met up with my friends again the girls were still there, still staring. They kept trying to get my attention. There came a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided it was time to leave.

As I walked out the front door, and then up past the alley on the way to the subway, a figure jumped out of the darkness, scaring me shitless. He threw a sparkling powder in my face and spoke.

I know your hair’s soft. You’re on the menu like the lamb broth. Live fast and eat the big tuna-like Billy Parcells. No more child’s play kid you with the big boys. The wheels on the range go chop chop chop.

With that, I felt my insides turn into tres leches, and my skin turn to buttercream.

“There can be only one.” He mumbled.

I was dessert.


Never meet your heroes! Or, at least, never let famous people eat you. Go back to the start, and accept Action Bronson as your new overlord.

(This is all TRUE — except for the part where I was cake-cannibalized by a famous rapper/chef.)

A Bronson Senryu

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *