To Serve? People Burgers. (6)

It’s 1 AM, and we’re in the living room of the cheapest apartment at the end of the furthest TTC bus line. Ash and Cam, two first-year culinary school students, sit amongst the Thrift Town plush of their living room and decompress with a (legal) Canadian joint after work at their externship downtown. It’s time to turn on some music.

Tonight we’re listening to Joy Division’s album “Unknown Pleasures.”

“Holy shit!” Cam exclaimed.

“What?” replied Ash.

“I just realized that one day you could make a hamburger from people! Soylent green burgers! You could make it a better world by making burgers from people!”

“That’s just cannibalism. What do you mean one day? We could do that now. Not that I — ever — would.”

“No! Not made from dead people! Yuck! No! That’s gross! I’m talking soon, in the future, we could make a burger from part of a living person!”

“Again. We could cut off your arm and make a burger out of you today. Tonight. Again. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“What I’m suggesting is that someone could actually volunteer their arm or a leg. We cut it off. We make it into a burger. Then we grow a new limb in a lab and attach it! You could eat yourself! It would be a self-sustaining system. A person-to-burger-to-person terrarium!”

“Hold on. Why’re we cutting people’s limbs off to grow new ones to put back on their body? That’s freaky. At that point, why wouldn’t we produce the meat and eat it directly?

“No. No. No. No. No. No. This process makes it both 100% meat, AND, a 100% vegan!”


“According to vegans, eating placenta is okay, right?

“Wait, it is? Why?”

“Because there’s consent! With consent, an organism makes a conscious choice. For the meat to be vegan, the meat must be part of a system that can grant consent. To grow animal meat in a dish is independent of consent! But In this process, the meat would be 100% ethical!”

“Okay. If consent is so important, what about plants?”

“Plants grant consent implicitly. They are designed to reproduce through consumption. It’s like the spreading of seeds through fecal matter! Plants thrive the more they are eaten.”

“That’s bullshit!”

“No, it’s not! Well, maybe.”

“I can’t speak for you, but I flush my poop down the toilet. Those seeds aren’t growing into anything. Is taking a shit on a modern toilet after eating strawberry jam a berry abortion?”


“Also. What happens if you use genetic engineering to produce a cow that has just enough consciousness and speech ability to grant consent. Does that mean we eat beef again?”



“Wait. If people die for God… does that mean people are, like, burgers for God? God-burgers?”

“Oh jeez. God isn’t eating people.”

“How do you know? Maybe the soul is the juiciest, most delicious part? It took me years to realize how delicious that green stuff in a lobster is.”

This is a continuing story inspired by Vik, the terrible 1986 flick “Hamburger: The Motion Picture,” and the fascinating 1990 film “Mindwalk.”

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