To Serve People? “Burgers.” (2)

It’s 1 AM, and we’re in the living room of the cheapest apartment at the end of the furthest TTC bus line. Ash and Cam, two first-year culinary school students, sit amongst the Thrift Town plush of their living room and decompress with a (legal) Canadian joint after work at their externship downtown. It’s time to turn on some music.

Tonight we’re listening to the Yellow Magic Orchestra album “Pacific.”

“Let’s play a mind game. What’s your perfect burger?” Cameron asked

“Perfect? Um, I love In-n-Out,” said Ash with a smile.

“Okay. So let’s say that’s your ‘Plutonic Burger.’ That’s your burger measuring stick. Your baseline.”

“In-n-Out is my baseline.”

“Now, if you were, say, a historian, the path of history as you understand it would be your baseline.  Historian, history is your baseline. Burger cook, In-n-Out is your baseline.”

“In-n-Out is my history.”

“Okay. Now we’re pretending that you’re a knowledgeable historian, who discovers that George Washington was, in fact, born a woman.”

“Madam General Washington.”

“Just General Washington. It’s important to point out that this discovery does not change history. We are still where we are today as a result of the baseline. The only difference now is that you have to change your perception of historical events. But you’re still using the same baseline understanding of history. You’re only adding to what you know.”

“If In-n-Out is my favorite burger, where does female George Washington fit in?”

“Female George Washington is bacon.”

“They don’t offer bacon at In-n-Out.”

“I know dum-dum. But YOU are aware of bacon! Yes?”

“Yes, I know what bacon is.”

“Bacon exists outside the baseline. You open a burger joint, and you build your perfect burger. In this case, the In-n-Out burger is your model, your baseline, but you know about bacon, so you offer bacon! That is your new educational model!”

“My restaurant offers the In-n-Out burger with bacon.”

“YES! Your philosophy is that ‘In-n-Out is excellent, but isn’t it better with bacon?”

“In-n-Out burgers with bacon are better I guess. ”

“Now. Bacon. Let’s transfer this idea. Lady George Washington equals bacon! This fact doesn’t change any historical event, but wouldn’t it be great to find out that our country was built on gender fluidity?”

“Yeah! That’s great!”

“But now it’s your job to show people how bacon works. What does this mean for Martha Washington? What was her gender perspective? How did George not justify not giving women the vote? What is the truth of bacon on this burger? Is it thick cut? Thin? Is it crispy or soft?”

“This I know. Crispy bacon. Gotta’ crunch.”

“Really? I feel like crispy is too easy. I think I’d rather have something porky and juicy that comes apart when I bite it.”

“Naw.”

“Hold on a minute. Let’s talk about this. I feel like soft and tender will be better texture? Maybe better flavor? It’s like the animal fries – people order the fries extra crispy, but animal fries work so much better with underdone fries. It’s like loaded mashed potatoes that way, SO much better.”**

“Sorry. If the bacon isn’t crispy, it’s shitty,”

“Come on! I thought we were exploring something here!”

“Look, George Washington didn’t do anything to help gender equality. Even if George was born a woman, George sure didn’t do anything to help female identifying folks or slaves, for that matter. George might as well have been a regular ol’ crusty white dude. Therefore history stays the same, and the bacon better be crispy.


This is a continuing story inspired by Vik, the terrible 1986 flick “Hamburger: The Motion Picture,” and the fascinating 1990 film “Mindwalk.”

**: Soft fry theory belongs to @vanilladreampuff


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